It’s funny, isn’t it? How the human body can withstand so much pain and punishment, yet a feeling that we have for one person can bring us to our knees and make our heart feel like it’s stuck in a trash compactor. I’ve torn ACL’s in both knees, suffered dislocated shoulders and wrists, high ankle sprains, nearly broken my tailbone, broken many bones, had foot surgery while awake, dry socket after having my wisdom teeth removed, shin splints, Osgood Schlatter’s disease, gotten hit in the nuts on a number of occasions, been gouged by a piece of glass that nicked a tendon and just missed an artery, and suffered more concussions than I can count, to name a few things. But I would rather have all of those things happen to me at the same time than to suffer through another soul-crushing heartbreak. What is it that can render even toughest, strongest specimens of our species to a crying, mushy pile of goop?
One of the craziest phenomenons that you will learn in life, at least to me, is that human beings are wired to pair up. Pretty much every specie on the planet earth is designed to pair up at some point, but humans are one of a select few that are monogamous (well, most humans anyway). The Mother Nature Network lists 11 animals that mate for life here: http://www.mnn.com/earth-matters/animals/photos/11-animals-that-mate-for-life/old-faithful. I find the most interesting to be the gibbons, who are the most closely related animal specie to humans that mate for life. Research has shown that they will sometimes philander (fancy word for cheat on) and dump their mate, just like humans. Makes you wonder why that is, doesn’t it? My favorite is the wolves, because they form families just like ours and are loyal to them to the death.
The main difference with humans and most animals is the emotional attachment that we form with “The One” that we think we are going to mate for life with. That, my friends, is a powerful thing we like to call LOVE. Love is a strange thing. It’s unlike any other emotion known to man. It can turn normally level-headed people absolutely crazy. Make the healthiest people feel quite unwell. I’m always talking about songs we can relate to. Well Matchbox Twenty, one of my favorite bands of all-time, has a song about the very topic, called Unwell.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StFfXP4eAgU
Now, the inspiration for the song is not actually about heartbreak or a lost love, but I think it can relate very well to those who have had their hearts broken. The first verse and then the chorus, especially, really gets to me.
All day, staring at the ceiling making
friends with shadows on my wall
All night, hearing voices telling me
that I should get some sleep
because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on, I’m feeling like I’m headed for a
breakdown, and I don’t know why
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know, right now you can’t tell
But stay a while and maybe then you’ll see
a different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know, right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me, and how I used to be
Those of us who have gone through a heartbreak, and I’d wager that most of us have, doesn’t that sound like how we feel afterwards? We don’t want to leave the house, don’t want to go out to do anything. We just want to lay in bed and stare up at the ceiling, wishing that the entire world would just go away for a while. At the same time, we can’t sleep, for fear that we will dream about the person we lost and who were all we ever dreamed of being with. We may do things that seem crazy to other people, but we know what’s really wrong. We just don’t feel like ourselves, we know that we’re just a little unwell. We often think it’s because a piece of us is missing. That person left a giant hole in our heart. Really, though, it’s that we have to learn how to live without that other person again. It’s important to remember when going through a heartbreak and the world feels like it’s coming to an end that we survived before that person came into our life and got along just fine, and we can do it again. It’s just up to us to do so.
There is actually another song (whattttttttt, a double song blog? I know right! It surprised me too) that I wasn’t planning on using but I came across it while searching for Unwell, which I think also describes the process of being in love and then heartbreak perfectly. On top of that, it’s just a beautiful song from another band that I’ve loved since my childhood, The Goo Goo Dolls. The song is called Iris.
And I’d give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to Heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t want to miss you tonight
And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive
And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
What really captivates me is that after the first chorus, you can really see the mood of the song shift. The first verse seems to be all about being in love and how amazing that feeling of being in the moment is. Then, after the chorus, the singer mentions tears (that ain’t coming), lies, and feeling dead inside. This pretty much sums up a breakup to me. It doesn’t matter what side of the breakup you’re on, whether you’re the breakup-er or the breakup-ee. Everyone is affected. The person who is broken up with wonders what they could have done differently or what someone else has to offer that they don’t. The one who does the breaking up wonders if they’ve made a huge mistake and if they will ever love someone like that again. The thing is, the breakup is almost always a good thing in the end. As I’ve said before, couples who breakup and then get back together almost never work out. There are very rare exceptions, like with anything, but more often than not ends in even more pain and heartbreak, and destroying what was left of the relationship that could possibly lead to being friends down the road. You see, the same problems that were there before are still there. The breakup simply put them on pause. It’s funny because somehow our brain omits the problems we had with that person we loved so much when we are apart from them, but when we are with them again it all comes right back. In fact, chances are that even more problems will be introduced once the two get back together because many people see other people when they are on a breakup, and that’s something that lodges itself in your brain and you can’t get rid of, like a little painful splinter. I can speak from experience on this one. Even though the two of you weren’t together, it still somehow feels like you were cheated on. I can’t explain it except to say that once you get back together, it feels like the relationship has continued on, and it makes you sick to think that the person you’re with has been with someone else since you started dating. Much moreso than thinking about people they were with before you guys ever started seeing each other. So, I will reiterate, DO NOT GET BACK TOGETHER WITH AN EX. All you’re really doing is postponing the inevitable. In almost all scenarios the two of you will end up breaking up again eventually, and you’re really just delaying the healing that you need to do after a breakup to get better. In short, you’re just extending the amount of time it will take to get over them.
It’s funny how relevant How I Met Your Mother can be to things I spend a lot of time thinking about, or things that I encounter in my life. I know some of you are probably getting tired of my references to the show. However, something that I can relate so well to just makes it easier for me to get my point across. In the episode Twin Beds, Barney reveals to Ted that he misses Robin and wants to get back together with her. At this point, Ted tells Barney to read “the letter”. With all of his relationships and breakups, Ted had learned to write a letter right after a breakup that explained why he broke up with that girl. I think this is a fantastic idea. We are so emotional and raw right after a breakup, and very honest about why we don’t think things will work with a certain person. Reading that in a time when we are weak can bring back all of the emotions felt at the time it was written, and be a great reminder of why things won’t work again. If there was an area where you just weren’t connecting, you still won’t connect in that area if you get back together. And if that was a big enough problem to be a deal breaker before, it will be again.
So, how do we get over a breakup? I’d love to tell you that time will make everything better. However, I know that time alone is not enough. As Jay Marshall so eloquently puts it,
“It has been said that time heals all wounds. The truth is that time does not heal anything. It is what we do during the passing of time that helps or hinders the process”.
Couldn’t have said it better myself. If we stay cooped up in our room all day and never leave the house and refuse to experience anything that life has in store for us, nothing will change. When you finally emerge from your room, you will be in the same state that you were in when you first entered your room. You have to go out and live life. God has great things in store for you, and you just have to give His plan a chance to unfold. You will find The One eventually, even if they’re not the-one-you-want-right-now. You have to distance yourself from the person you broke up with. Stop texting them. Stop checking their Facebook every five minutes. Delete them as a friend if you have to. In today’s world of social media and instant communication, separating yourself from someone else and getting over someone is harder than ever. You don’t know when you might see a picture or something of them that will pop up and just punch you right in the gut. You can’t control that stuff, but just control what you can and do your best to separate yourself from them. If you live close to them, don’t be afraid to go out and live your life and go to your favorite places because you’re afraid to see them there. If you love a place, chances are you went there with that person. It can hurt at first going there because of all the memories you made there. But guess what? It’s time to make some new memories! And if you run into them at that place, at first it will be awkward. Just fight through it. Each time you run into them it will be less and less weird, and eventually you won’t even care. The day that happens, when you see that person or hear their name and it doesn’t hurt (which WILL happen, I promise!), that’s how you know you’re over them. Sure, you will probably start to do better and then might have a relapse. Keep fighting on. All that work you did before still counts, and you will be back to where you were pre-relapse quickly. I have to tell you, that moment when you realize you’re over someone is such an exhilarating feeling that you just want to tell the world. And you know that you came out stronger and wiser than you were before the relationship. You survived what you thought was unsurvivable.
What’s important to remember when you’re hurting is this: that pain you’re feeling means what you had was real. It means you loved that person with everything you had, and it didn’t work out, and that’s OKAY. One day you will love someone else like that and they will love you back with the same passion and everything will work out because it’s meant to be. If you’re not hurting after a breakup, that means you never really loved the other person in the first place.
So, my final advice that I will give is this my friends: The night is always darkest before the dawn. Just when things seem like they can’t get any worse, when it feels like you just can’t fight any longer, that’s when you have to fight harder than you ever have, because better things are right out on the horizon. And those better things will be far greater than anything you ever had with the last person.
I love you all, and if you’re going through something tough you will get through it. Don’t be afraid to keep loving. One day it will all be worth it.
Elliott